


All Those Things I Didn't Say

by hotch_fan



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Conversations, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s07e01 It takes A Village, Established Relationship, Explanations, Feels, Forgiveness, Guilt, Hopeful Ending, Hugs, Lies, M/M, Major Edits Done, Maybe - Freeform, Poor Hotch, Revised Version, Rewrite, Season/Series 07, Secrets, Tenderness, Touching, Trust, Understanding, Worth Re-Reading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-07
Updated: 2011-10-07
Packaged: 2017-10-24 09:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/261706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotch_fan/pseuds/hotch_fan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you do something that hurts so many people it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else.</p><p>[Rewritten in 2017.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	All Those Things I Didn't Say

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [nebula2](http://www.fanfiction.net/u/120401/nebula2) for the initial beta. Any remaining mistakes are my own.

_"To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved." - George MacDonald._

When Hotch arrived at his empty apartment that night, he wanted nothing more than to lie down and forget everything that happened today at least for a few hours before he had to go back to the office and deal with it.

He was exhausted both mentally and physically, something he hadn't felt for quite some time now, though it wasn't surprising.

His assignment out of the country hadn't been easy, and being forced to be away from Jack for months only made it harder. Coming back and landing after more than ten hours of flight only to race against time to work on finding Doyle's son, breaking nearly every rule ever made in the process (which Hotch knew would have serious consequences, even if he was trying not to think about it at the moment) and being forced to come clean with the team and having Prentiss back.

Hotch dropped his bag on the floor and didn't bother with the lock or the alarm of the door. He needed a shower and sleep. Maybe something to eat too.

He did none of that. Instead, he walked to the drinks cabinet and poured himself a scotch. He drained the glass and poured another before walking into the living room and collapsing on the couch with a sigh.

There was a grim satisfaction mixed with every other emotion this night had left him. Tonight, he had seen why this team, _his team,_ was one of the best.

Hotch was proud of all of them because in spite of how strained the relationship between them was after the truth was revealed, and the pain and other feelings running high they had been able to put it all aside and work together with the sole purpose of saving that boy's life.

The case hadn't gone the way it was supposed to go--shouldn't have been a case to start with--but the only innocent person involved in this mess was alive, and maybe that could be good enough.

Closing his eyes brought to the front of his mind the team's reaction to the reveal. Morgan's anger, Garcia's tears, and Reid's blank expression. And Dave. His dark eyes fixed on him, sharp and knowing as he stared silently.

Dave hadn't been in the BAU by the time Hotch left. They hadn't spoken at all after the case was over.

He opened his eyes, taking a swig of the amber liquid before reaching for the remote and turning the TV on. Anything would be better than to be alone with his thoughts.

Hotch wasn't sure how much time passed before he heard a knock at the door. He blinked at the screen, having no idea what he was watching even though he hadn't taken his eyes away from the TV since he turned it on. Another knock brought him out of his daze, but he didn't move to answer.

Hotch knew who was on the other side, and he wasn't sure if he could face him right now.

He didn't have a choice, though. He had to assume his responsibility as David's supervisor _and_ as his partner. It was the least he could do.

Hotch hesitated, taking a moment to collect himself before clenching his jaw and forcing his body to move. Whatever happen tonight was his responsibility and his alone, and he had to face it. He could only hope he wasn't about to lose the best thing that had happened to him in so long.

"Took you long enough," Dave grumbled as soon as the dooe was opened. "I thought I was going to have to break down the damn door to get inside."

The tone more than the words made Hotch relax a little because Dave didn't sound angry. He had seen him truly angry before and this wasn't even close.

Dave arched an eyebrow. "Are you going to let me in or what?"

Hotch startled slightly and stepped aside without a word to let him in.

"Looks like I got here just in time," Dave commented dryly, eyeing the almost empty glass on the coffee table. He didn't get a reply, so he walked to get a glass for himself.

Still standing by the door, Hotch followed the other man with his eyes, waiting until he walked back to the living room to speak.

"Dave I-"

"Save it," Dave cut him off, his tone a bit harsher than he had meant it to.

Dave grimaced when he saw the hurt look that appeared on the other man's face for just a second, before being replaced by the smooth blank mask that had become legendary in the BAU over the years. He sighed softly and continued with a more gentle voice. "I know what you're going to say and I don't want to hear it."

Hotch nodded. That was only fair.

"Come here," Dave called, nodding at the sofa.

He walked after him, hesitating for a moment before sitting down, leaving space between them. Hotch resisted the urge to reach for his glass and instead reached for the remote, turning the TV off.

"I didn't come here to hear you apologize non-stop for doing your job, saving not only Prentiss' life but quite likely the whole team's." Dave didn't miss the way Hotch ducked his head at the light praise but decided not to comment. "I came here to talk about what happened. Just to talk, okay?"

"Okay."

Dave nodded, watching the other man carefully for a long moment before taking a sip of his scotch.

"I know you already told the team what happened that night, but I want to hear everything."

Hotch lifted his gaze, looking at Dave with a frown. He didn't know why he wanted to hear the details, but what he did know was that he wasn't in a position to deny him an answer. It wasn't hard to recall what happened that night, and so he started his relate.

"The decision was taken by the Department of Defense. Emily was a great asset during her time working with the Interpol and made good connections. They couldn't leave her on her own when it was that same job what made her a target now, especially after seeing what Doyle did to the rest of her team, so they come up with a plan to keep her safe if she survived.

"The only reason they told JJ was because they wanted her to be Prentiss' contact with the Department of Defense, and as Prentiss' supervisor, they allowed her to consult me about it. She asked me what I thought, if I believed it was the right decision, she asked me what Doyle would do if Emily lived and I told her the truth. That Doyle wouldn't stop until he found his son, putting not only Prentiss' life on the line but the lives of everyone she cared about. That he wouldn't hesitate to take out anyone who was in his way."

Hotch still remembered the pale and frightened look on JJ's face when he had told her that. It was an expression he had never seen on her, only compared to the look on her face when Reid had been taken by Hankel. He shook his head, urging himself to focus.

"It was JJ and a couple of Agents from the Department of Defense who spoke with the hospital director. They explained the situation briefly and without revealing Prentiss' identity, and he agreed to help with anything they needed. By that moment the doctors had managed to stabilize her and repair the damage caused by the wound on her abdomen and she was going to be transferred to intensive care."

Dave continued watching him. He hadn't taken his eyes away from Aaron at any moment since he started speaking.

"They convinced the doctors to cut the medication to keep Prentiss awake and lucid long enough for JJ to go in and speak with her." Hotch took a deep breath. "When JJ returned and said she hadn't made it off the table I caught her gaze for just a second and I knew. I knew she was lying and then Garcia started crying and I just- I couldn't stand it. I had to get out of there."

Hotch covered his face with his hands for just a second before he continued.

"They took her out in an ambulance and drove to a small airstrip nearby where a private jet would be waiting for her. As I already said to the team, she was transported from Boston to Bethesda and she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. I didn't know the details back then. It wasn't until later that JJ filled me in," He added.

Dave nodded, taking the time to absorb all the information he had been given him. Most of it he could have guessed after learning Prentiss was alive, but he appreciated Hotch's honesty.

In the tense silence that followed Hotch finally grabbed his glass. The scotch helped with his dry throat, even if that was not the reason he reached for it. He did what Dave asked, telling him what happened that night, but maybe he should tell him the rest. He should be fully honest with him.

"Do you remember the time JJ called me in the middle of the night? It was almost three weeks after the confrontation with Doyle."

Dave frowned, thinking back. It didn't take him long to remember the call Hotch was referring to.

The only answer Dave got that night as he watched Hotch get out of bed and put on a pair of worn out jeans and a sweatshirt was that JJ asked him to meet with her. He returned almost two hours later with the excuse that JJ had an argument with Will and need someone to talk to, brushing off Dave's questions. He guessed, with a hint of annoyance, he was about to find out the truth.

"She had just landed she called. JJ traveled to London to meet with Emily and give her the documents she would need to settle into her new life and needed someone to talk."

Dave rubbed a hand across his face. Aaron and JJ may not have been mourning their friend, but that didn't mean they didn't suffer all those months as well. He couldn't imagine what they went through, lying and hiding things from the people they loved.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for doing this to you. To the team. I wanted nothing more than to tell you the truth and put a stop to the suffering you were going through. Watching you mourn the loss of a friend, of a part of your family knowing _I_ could stop it all just by saying a few words was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do." Hotch's voice sounded almost pleading, begging Dave to understand.

That was enough for Dave. He pulled Aaron towards him without a word, wrapping his arms around him, and feeling the younger man return the hug tightly. Aaron wasn't going to cry, Dave knew that, but he needed the comfort all the same and he was willing to offer it.

"There were nights when I lie awake watching you sleep and I just- I wanted, _I needed_ to tell you," Hotch whispered against his ear. "Sometimes I even reached out to wake you and had to stop myself. Had to remember I was doing this to protect you. To protect the team."

Dave didn't answer, he just tightened his grip.

It was Hotch who pulled away first, and Dave caught just a glimpse of his glassy eyes before he looked away. He took one of his hands on his own and waited until Hotch had composed himself a little before speaking.

"I'm not going to tell you everything it's okay because it's not, or that I'm okay with it because that's bullshit and we both know it. This is a fucking mess, all of it. I'm damn happy Emily is alive, but I'm angry and hurt because you didn't tell me. We sleep together every night and that was not enough for you to trust me." Dave watched Hotch open his mouth to protest, but raised a hand to stop him. "I know this has nothing to do with trust or what you wanted to do. I know it's irrational, but that's how I feel and I can't change it."

Hotch nodded, lips pressed into a thin line.

"Then- then I remember it's you, and I remember how much this has affected you. Don't think I didn't notice the sleepless nights and weight loss," He added with a small curl of his lips. "It's clear you were worried about the team and what could happen when this was known, and I can't do anything but admire you even more. Admire your dedication to this job and your determination and courage to protect the people you love."

Hotch's head snapped up, clearly shocked to hear that.

"Don't get me wrong, this whole thing it's a fucking nightmare, and of course it hurts to know I was lied to, but it was for the greater good, as they say. Besides, I think I can understand better than the others why you did what you did, and how much it cost you. I've had to lie or hide things about this job to the people I love and I can honestly say I don't envy the position you're in."

Hotch's jaw was clenched as he looked away from him, dark eyes fixed somewhere behind him.

Dave paused, recalling what he told his friend, father Jimmy after a very bad case years ago. 'When you do something this hard, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else.'

Watching the haunted man in front of him, looking at the sharp lines around his eyes and mouth, the dark circles under his eyes, he knew it. He knew that what Aaron needed was to hear he had taken the right decision. To feel worthy of the respect and admiration the team had always felt for him. And he could try to give it to him, at least for tonight.

"Listen to me, and listen very carefully. You did the right thing. You did the only thing you could have done under the circumstances, and because of it Emily and the team are safe. They are angry and they are hurting right now, but that's going to pass. It will take time and it wouldn’t be easy, but once the shock and rawness of it all pass and their heads are clear enough to think things through, they will realize you had no choice but to do what you could to protect them."

Hotch stared at him, a mix of relief, hope and love shining brightly in his deep brown eyes. His lips curled up ever so slightly in a tired but genuine smile.

Dave nodded, returning the tentative smile with a quick grin before draining the scotch in his glass. He stood up with a wince and turned to offer a hand to the other man.

"Come on, we should go to bed. Tomorrow it's going to be a very interesting day and we need at least a couple hours of sleep."

Hotch took Dave's hand and rose to his feet, meeting his eyes. "Thank you."

"Anytime," Dave murmured, closing the distance between them and planting a soft, tender kiss on his lips.

"What is it?" Hotch asked when he saw the expression on his face.

"The facial hair feels weird."

He snorted softly, leaning back to kiss Dave again before they walked toward the bedroom, hands intertwined together.

_"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" - Walter Anderson._

**Author's Note:**

> So, I have no idea how the government works, or how the plan to fake Prentiss' death could have been formed, but I still wrote this fic and so I just picked what I thought made a little sense. I hope it doesn't just sound absurd.
> 
> Also, I borrowed this phrase from House MD: "When you do what I did, it's not enough to tell yourself you did nothing wrong. You need to hear it from someone else. If not God, or society, a friend. Otherwise you go crazy. What you said to me up there, thank you." said by Wilson to House in the episode 6x06 "Known Unknowns".


End file.
